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Christopher Marks

A sincere apology for a poor ping pong showing

2 min read

At work we've started a ping pong leaderboard through Slack. The league rules state that if you lose to a player without scoring a point, you have to write a gushing letter of apology. I lost 11-0. Here's my apology.

Dearest Jake,

To say I’m sorry would be a gross understatement; I am devastated on both of our behalves. When I challenged you to a game of ping pong, I could not have predicted the catastrophe that would befall us both.

The beginning rally lulled me into a false sense of security; I now realise it was merely the calm before the storm. A few wayward shots were to be expected, I thought. Little did I know that these poorly executed shots were a loaded rifle hanging on the wall.

My first serve missed the table. “That’s unlucky.” I thought, “No matter, the game is young.”

My second serve was returned with a resounding crack. “Lucky shot” I mumbled to myself.

I regained my confidence upon returning both of your serves. Sure, I had lost both points, but at least we were able to have a rally.

My serve again. A good return and rally, but my amateurish grip led to the ball bouncing off my fingers and onto the floor. “Pitiful” I thought to myself, “Absolutely pitiful.”

For both of our sakes I will cease recounting the events of our match. I can feel my heart growing heavy. I can only imagine how reliving these events might affect you.

I know it will be hard for you to trust me again as an opponent. I understand that it’s going to be a long healing process that will take many weeks, perhaps months, and that you might not even want to hear from me at all right now. But if you can find it in your heart to challenge me again, I promise, no, vow, to be a worthy opponent.